The beginning is the end is the beginning

It’s been a very long time since I‘ve posted. I’m much better now. I’ve had my R&R and have redescovered my priorities. I guess I was a little messed up but now I’m ok. I really don’t fucking care anymore.  So I guess I’m free. Free to find myself and if I happen to find someone that can accept me for who I am and love me for who I am then awesome. I’m certainly confused whether I’m a sado-masochist or not, but I’ll see to it. In time.

Scared… broken… disillusioned.

I’m afraid he won’t… you know… uhm… call. He might… but I don’t think he will. He said he’d… but he didn’t. I trusted him too much too quickly. Lesson learned. I don’t know why I thought he would. I mean seriously, it’s me we’re talking about. I’m not worth that much. I’m an insignificant like thing and for a moment I had dared to think of myself otherwise. The people who read don’t know the whole story so to them I’m nothing but an obsessed little freak. I guess, in some way I am. Damn… It’s hopeless. The epilogue… on Monday. Until then, good-bye my dear blog. The one who lets me speak my mind.

I can’t stop feeling angry

I’m just unable to do that. I get mad out of the smallest things ever. The most trivial. I had such a nice dream just to wake up to the reality of still being alone. Of still feeling stupid and frustrated. I’m alone and there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s the only one who can bring me some comfort, some acceptance. But I’m getting the feeling that he won’t ever do that. I’m just not worth that much, so for just a few hours in my sleep I was happy. At peace and comforted because I felt I had him, that he was mine, but he wasn’t because I woke up and he wasn’t there. Solitude isn’t what I want anymore. I thought that if I met someone I would drive them away unwillingly but I didn’t, he was taken away from me and now I have no idea whether he will come back or not.

I wish him to, to give me peace of heart, but it’s just a dream, a sweet peaceful dream like the one I had last night. The pain is still here, but for a little while it was gone and I felt light-hearted and calm and then it was over, like it never happened, and as I woke up I was faced once again with the reality that even what I think is mine isn’t really mine. My mother took yet another thing from me, because my grandmother chose to give it to her, an unappreciative bitch, but her daughter and my mother, yet it never feels like that. C’est la vie. No one cares about me and what I think. What I feel is a matter of no concern to anyone. I will go through life alone longing for company…

I’m angry

So angry I’m in physical pain. I’m not saying I’m the most unbelievable girl on earth, but it’s like a lot of things affect me. I feel like shouting, crying and punching sth, but I find myself incapable of doing any of these things.

No more doubts

I no longer doubt anything. I trust in him to want me for who I am. I think I can face whatever there is to face but only if I have him at my side. This is my only request from life… well not really. But it’s most currently the most important one. I don’t know how love is suppose to feel. Perhaps one day life will show me what that feels like. I’d like to know. If it’s him that’s going to show me.

If I can withstand what is thrown upon me than everything will be alright. I had a shock on Sunday when I received a call so vile and mischievous. But it’s alright. He set me straight. He told me the truth and that was all I wanted. The truth, to know what was actually happening. I couldn’t believe my ears when I understood what happened. But it’s better sooner rather than later. Literally.

Thank God for peace of mind, for peace of heart.

“Parting is such bitter sweet sorrow that I should say good-night until it be ‘morrow.”

w.s.

Q&A

I wonder about life in general. Should I dream, try and look into the future. What good could come from that? Am I capable of love? I’ve asked myself this a thousand times by now. I’m an odd duck, aren’t I? But that’s not the point. Great guy, good manners, decent verbal skills and a gentle person. All in all a very rare duck, if I may say so.

I’m scared. I’ll admit it. Do I open up? Do I do what? Act on impulse? Or what? If I remain slightly distant he may think I don’t like him much, but if I don’t I’ll appear clingy. Difficult.  What do I do? I guess there’s no one that I can really talk to. I’ve never been good at sharing and even when people think they know me, I bet they don’t actually have a clue about what’s going on in my mind.

I’m considering every possibility and everything he does I take into account. Hopefully he won’t be reading my journal anymore. He’s good at finding things. I hope he doesn’t take too much advantage of his possibilities.

I don’t want to erase my blog or limit people’s access to it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to.

The misfortunes of others a.k.a. Selfishness and ingratitude

Today I was reminded of a very valuable lesson. It isn’t important what you suffer of, but what you make of your pain. I was reading about a mother who regrets not having a “perfect child”. But I understood her. It was anything offensive, it was just the fact that she could never manage to do everything with her little girl, in any case not as if she were healthy. That saddens me, because so many healthy and unchallenged children are born to “undeserving parents” and they are damaged by their indifference. In life, most constantly those who shouldn’t suffer are the ones who do end up in pain, be that as it may, physical or otherwise.

I am looking at my best friend who is about to take her final exams and she seems extremely unprepared. She has been given everything she could have possibly asked for starting with understanding, attentive and wealthy parents and ending with friends and healthy relationships. But has she thanked the heavens for all this and the opportunities offered to her by life? No. Has she recognized the fact that she has made some mistakes? No. Will she do this any time soon? Not in my mind, no.

What conclusion are we to draw from this? Perhaps that nothing in life may ever go as planned or expected. There’s no one we can blame for this. There might be some higher power responsible for us, but not for our actions. What we make of what we have been given is all on us.

Mysticism – Tarot cards #2

The Queen of Pentacles

The Queen of Pentacles is a card in which the energy of a Major Arcanum is reproduced, but on a more accessible level. She is like a mirror of the Empress in that she is a Queen of fertility and harvest, and her talents extend to mothering and nurturing as well. The only thing she really lacks that the Empress possesses is the ability to create life, but the Queen of Pentacles makes up for that with her ability to sustain and care for all kinds of life. She is materially wealthy, but even that is superseded by the wealth she has build through kindness and generosity. She manifests in your life as either a person or a part of yourself.

The person known as the Queen of Pentacles is often a mother, but sometimes she will express motherly dedication and love despite having no children of her own. Her watery quality gives her the intuitive and emotional skills needed of a good mother, while the Pentacles suit gives her a solid schooling in material matters and affairs. Her ambitions center on the family and her goals are a happy material and emotional life. These simple goals are often difficult to obtain, but she devotes herself to them. Though not necessarily rich in terms of money, she is always rich of heart, and she shares her wealth with all those in need.

Her only real weakness is an obsession with the security and protection that the Pentacles suit embodies, and this should come as little surprise because the Empress has trouble in this area as well. In modern times her role has degraded considerably because the terms “homemaker” and “housewife”, which generally apply to the Queen of Pentacles and those like her, are derogatory and devalued. Although she sees no problem with expressing love with the creation of a happy home, many people seem to have a problem with that, and think she should “get a real job”. A true Queen of Pentacles will tolerate such people, who obviously have no idea how “real” her job can become.

When the Queen of Pentacles inside of you starts manifesting, the signs are unmistakable. Generosity will become a priority, as will trustworthiness and reliability. You will gain insight into both matters of money and matters of the heart, and through these you can find a path to spiritual enlightenment. The Queen of Pentacles is, in many ways, a bridge between the worlds of the mundane and the spectacular. Step across that bridge once you are ready, and delight in the opulence and pure beauty. Then you can return to the material world to help others find their way. You may not be acknowledged, but you will never be unhappy either.

Ace of Cups

Everything starts with love, so they say, and this is certainly true of the Cups suit. The Ace of Cups is the initial flow of emotion that could become a mighty river is given time and attention. It is the planted – but still dormant – seed of great love and affection in the future, the first stirrings of passion, joy and insight. The Cup on this Ace is often said to represent the Holy Grail, and just as Joseph of Arimathea was sustained by the wafer placed in the Grail each day, so too does love and emotional balance sustain our everyday lives.

Often, the Ace of Cups will predict the start of a relationship, one that is full of potential and may eventually lead to true love and happiness. But you must always remember that the Ace can show only potential, not the final result of a situation. If a relationship starts out well, it is up to the two people involved to keep it that way, and improve upon it in any possible manner. The Ace of Cups is not a guarantee of happiness, but a guarantee that you will have the chance to make happiness for yourself if you want to. If you want to develop an existing relationship, the Ace cannot help you.

In situations not involving relationships, the Ace of Cups still shows the power of love that is necesary in the situation. But love in this sense does not always refer to romance. Love is a plant with many flowers: generosity, forgiveness, peace, honesty or simply letting your feelings show. Ask your Inner Voice which kind of love you will need, and you will surely get an answer because the Ace of Cups is the card of the awakening intuition. All of these things associated with emotion and intuition run high when the Ace of Cups makes an appearance.

This is indeed a very spiritual card, not only because of its ties to the intuition and its resemblance to the Holy Grail, but because it shows the first step down a path of enlightenment and understanding. This is a period where the Inner Voice will actively manifest in your life, and your hidden dreams and desires have a chance to be realized. As with the relationship issue, now is your time to pursue those amibitions if you so choose. In the best cases the Ace of Cups will represent a powerful spiritual awakening that you must accept and embrace. Allow the light of the Universe to touch you, and allow the power of love to flow out of your heart.

Mysticism – Tarot cards #1

I must say that I’ve never been very knowledgeable in anything mystic, but most recently I’ve been growing a certain fondness for anything related to the underworld of the unknown. I’m confessing a not-doing-much about it attitude, but I want to. This is how it all begins to unravel, isn’t it?

The Magician

The Magician’s number is One, the number of creation and individuality; his power is transformation through the use of his will. In his manipulation of the basic elements into all the substances and materials of life, he shows us that from a foundation of the mundane can emerge all that is to come. He can take the Nothing from which the Fool emerged and shape it into Something, making one out of zero. Clearly this is power of a divine sort, and it is true that the Magician is a conduit for a higher power, which commands all of the material world. Since all that we can see in the physical world is the conduit himself, the acts he performs often seem like magic.

The Magician may seem like a strange title for someone who holds real power, because the word “magician” tends to conjure up pictures of illusionists and escape artists, whose power involves sleight of hand and misdirection. The Magician, however, is similar to the stage illusionist in many ways. He is confident in his skills and his ability to produce the effects that he wants. His real power comes from sources outside of him, and he is powerless without these sources, just as an illusionist depends on people “behind the scenes”. Both magician and Magician, however, are as important to their powers are the powers are to them. Without a conduit, power itself is impotent and useless.

With his powers the Magician holds influence over all – theory and practice, logic and emotion, thought and action. Almost every modern depiction of the Magician includes one or more symbols of infinity to denote his limitless power; the snake eating its tail and the lemniscate (horizontal figure-eight) being chief among these. This limitless power comes from sources outside his body yet under his control. And as long as the Magician remembers that this power is his to command, even if he loses all of his worldly power and skill he can never truly be called powerless. For his Will is a power that, while it can be subdued, it can never be destroyed.

Another nearly universal association with the Magician is the red-and-white color scheme. This theme recurs throughout the Tarot and it is very symbolic that it starts with this card and not the Fool. For while the Fool was the potential for positive and negative, the Magician is the union of positive and negative. He creates and he preserves; he destroys and he redeems. His true power is that he not only knows what he must do, but he knows how he must do it, and why he must do it. Then he does it. The Magician reminds us that a wish alone will change nothing, but a decision can change everything. A desire to create is nothing without an ability to create, and vice-versa.

When the Magician appears he shows that you are ready to become a conduit for power, like he is. The forces of creation and destruction have always been at your command but now you have the wisdom and confidence needed to use them constructively. Now is the time to act, if you know what is it you want to accomplish and why. Since the powers of transformation are at your command, change your desires into objectives, your thoughts into actions, your goals into achievements. If you have recently met with failure, now you can change that failure into success as easily as the Magician changes fire into water. The only limits you have are those you impose on yourself.

The outward manifestations of such power are as numerous as they are varied, but the most common outer effect of the Magician’s influence is unswaying and total confidence. The realization that the world is under your control is what inspires this kind of confidence, and with good reason. So go out into the world, set your mind to whatever goal you are interested in, and then just stand back and watch as everything falls into place under your command. Ultimately, the message of the Magician is a simple one despite his limitless and infinitely complex power. Your life is under your control. Your life is what you want it to be. Your life is what you make it.

Two of swords

The inherent duality of the Swords suit is shown here as the delicate balance of the two swords. The Two of Swords expresses this balance as a stalemate, a conflict between two equally matched forces in which neither has the clear advantage. These forces can take on many forms: negative against positive, the impulse to act against the desire to stay silent, or knowing what to do against actually doing it. Such impasses are not easily resolved, and they can lead to a long period of confusion and stagnation. So we have peace, but in this situation peace is detrimental.

Since the swords are crossed in front of the woman’s heart on the Rider-Waite Two of Swords, this card often manifests as a closed heart. This expression refers to one of the many barriers that are erected around you to protect you from what you perceive as dangers. In this case the swords are not forces opposed against each other, but forces allied against anything that might try to pry them away and reveal what they are guarding. If the barrier is broken suddenly, it will be painful. But if the barrier is allowed to remain it will become stronger and tension will build until it breaks on its own.

In a relationship-oriented situation the Two of Swords shows such barriers between the two partners. Sometimes only one person is responsible, but the number of the card suggests that both partners are at fault in the majority of cases. It manifests as a vicious cycle; one partner refuses to tell a secret and becomes defensive. The other partner is hurt and becomes equally defensive. This continues until the relationship falls apart or the tension is relieved, and such relief cannot come about through further defensiveness. The barriers cannot be shattered; they must be taken down piece by piece. And sometimes this is very uncomfortable to do.

The Two of Swords often represents situations where an answer could be found and the truth could be seen, but where the person or persons involved choose not to see it. The Two of Swords shows those times when you deliberately avoid seeing the truth. Maybe one of your ideas has been proven incorrect and, though you see that you were wrong, you do not want to admit it. It can be painful to remove a blindfold and see the truth, because even the softest light will blind those who have lived in darkness. But being blinded by the light is far preferable to being blinded by darkness.

This is my first post in a series referring to tarot cards. There is more to come.

Psychology: A contemporary introduction

Good book… Bad title… A contemporary introduction… Introduction… Introduction … No shit … It’s 700 pages long… How can I read this with all I have going right now? I mean for crying out loud… WTF… Why can’t they print more books focusing on specific subjects internationally? I mean I want to know more, I feel the need to. I need strength. I need … someone there beside me… but there isn’t anyone. I can’t seem to relate to anyone anymore. I’m out there… all alone. So help me God.